From Disappointment to Healthy Relationships in 5 Easy Steps

I’m good at disappointing the people I love the most.

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I’ve always been amazed by this ability of mine as I can be great to strangers and people that are not so close or important to me and do everything to help them and make them happy. But at the same time, I disappoint the ones that actually matter.
My only relief is that I make it up to them at some point. But that doesn’t change the past.

But don’t think I don’t appreciate them. On the contrary, I thank for having them in my life every day. And I don’t forget that while in their company. I’m grateful and experience the time I spend with them. I just disappoint them often.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’m not good at relationships.

And I think the main reason is that sometimes (more often than I want to) I disappoint myself. And when you haven’t fixed your relationship with yourself, you can’t really have any other good ones.

I love making lists and offering solutions to problems. So here is what you need to do about this one:

  1. be aware of the fact that you disappoint the people you love;
  2. try to figure out why;
  3. analyze your relationship with yourself first;
  4. then focus on making the people you love happy.

These are the main steps to take when in this situation. And I’ve done it. I know exactly what to do. And still there’s something missing because I keep doing the same thing.

At some point I realized there’s a piece of the puzzle that’s missing. A very important one.

People who disappoint family and friends have this one trait in common – they disappoint themselves first. So I think it’s better to improve your relationship with yourself first before you do that with others.

Here is how this can happen:

How to Form Healthy Relationships

1. Forgive yourself.

Whatever you’ve done in the past, forgive yourself for it. It doesn’t have any place in your future and can only affect your relationship with others.

2. Accept yourself.

You tend to focus on your mistakes, the things you don’t like about yourself, the bad things you say, your negative thoughts, the decisions you take and then regret. But what will happen if you just accept all this and see yourself for who you really are?

I think you will benefit a lot by making this little change.

3. Appreciate yourself.

Even if you see yourself as a bad person, someone who hasn’t achieved anything and will never become successful, you’re missing out on a lot.

You’re beautiful. As a human being you have your deep feelings and emotions, empathy and desire to make the world a better place, you have great qualities and abilities and can actually do whatever you want to.

You’re also a human magnet and have powers beyond imagination. You can create, become a great example for others and live a happy life. You can explore, build, change, destroy, get out there and become whoever you want to be.

4. Have a positive vision of yourself.

Delete the negative image of yourself in your head. Instead, expect the best to happen. Always think that you will do great in life, will achieve all your goals, have great relationships and be a wonderful person.

5. Let go.

In order to have a great relationship with yourself you’ll need to let go of a few things that are always holding you back.

Things like regrets, fears, worries, judging people, trying to please everyone, living by someone else’s standards, comparing yourself to others, wishing you were different and so on.

Now this is not some kind of a guide. And it may not work for everyone. I’m not saying that doing these 5 things (which actually sound much easier than they really are) will change your life and you will have great relationships for the rest of it.
It’s just what I’ve found to work so far.

But regardless of who you are and what you’ve done in the past, the relationships in your life will benefit from a little gratitude, appreciation and letting go. So give it a try.

What other steps can you add to the process of self-healing, getting familiar with your true self and self-understanding? What do you do to have healthy relationships?

Lidiya K

Lidiya K

Author, blogger and podcaster in the fields of self-improvement and life hacking. Creator of Let's Reach Success.
Full-time freelance writer. Lifestyle designer.
Lidiya K

57 Comments

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  1. Reblogged this on Tammy Hopkinson MBA and commented:
    You know I believe that I have done some disappointing in my life especially to my family. However, this goes both ways and all you can do is pick yourself up. I know that there is a variety of ways that I could self improve myself that would benefit family, friends, and other people in my life. Expressing feelings, and open communication is the key to a great relationship. Thanks for sharing your experiences….:)

    1. Welcome. And thank you for reblogging. I’m glad you liked the post.
      And I see that you’re also working on improving your relationships. That’s great πŸ™‚

  2. I like your focus on self compassion. It may be easy to be aware of our own disappointment and the disappointment of others, but it’s not always easy to isolate the cause or know the corrections we need to make. Every disappointment contains everything we need to know so we can to do better next time. Until we learn how to be our own best friend we aren’t the best friend we can be to anyone else.

    1. Great insight! I see you understand exactly what I’m talking about in the post.
      Eventually, it all comes down to the relationship we have with outselves, and compassion – one of the most powerful feelings – also starts inside of us.
      Disappointments do contain everything we need to know. Well said. If we decide to accept it and learn from it, it can tell us a lot about what we’re doing wrong.
      Thanks for stopping by again πŸ™‚

  3. Yes, we must love ourselves before we can think to love others, accept ourselves before we can accept others. We can’t give what we don’t have.

  4. This is an excellent post Lidiya. I think this also comes down to seeking external validation from others rather than internal validation from ourselves. This leads to us competing against others, chasing others approval rather than what truly matters to us. Cheers Kym

    1. I can’t agree more. I’ve worked a lot on my goals not to compete against others, judge or compare with them in any way.
      Thanks for stopping by πŸ™‚

  5. Oh boy, you said it all. I hope you follow my blog because I say all of this and more in April, when I will be posting every day on the theme of happiness, as part of the A to Z Challenge. Tune in: cardamonefive.wordpress.com.
    What a wonderful and insightful post. Just brimming with great practices. Thank you for helping me start my day out with such great reminders.

    Best regards,
    Elizabeth

  6. This post was very relatable and relevant to my life. It is such a struggle to forgive yourself and improve an internal relationship with your own mind. I am so critical of myself. Always blaming my bad days on past actions or pushing myself too hard in hopes of reaching a future dream. Everyone needs to forgive themselves at the end of each day. We are all capable of making mistakes and above all, forgiving ourselves. Keep sharing and inspiring.

    1. Beautiful comment. Thanks for sharing that. I see that you’re aware of everything you’re doing wrong and know what to do instead. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.

  7. Hi Lidiya,

    I support most of this information about ‘human interaction’ and its complexities, and I especially appreciate your openness and ownership of your parts in these interactions with those who matter. With that said, we cannot possibly please or make happy everyone around us all the time. You may not have been implying that but I think it is important for every individual to realize that even when you are in a happy, compassionate, humble point in your own life, the other person(s) may not be. They may be going through a ton of change and NOT enjoying it in the least and many — even those we cherish — may be projecting that frustration on to us.

    The perfect example of this precarious situation is with ex’s or those we’ve loved deeply. Some of them I still speak with as we always have and others who never want to hear from me again, ever! And with the latter, it ultimately came down to rigid expectations of each other — and some expectations I could never meet and made that known upfront. The next action on their part was to (silently) subtly ‘change’ that or those unwanted issues in me over time — which ultimately ended in disaster or high dissatisfaction. My point: we must always be true to ourselves and unfortunately that will displease some and energize and inspire others. As you pointed out, we cannot possibly make everyone around us happy, much less be responsible for their happiness. But we must always respect everyone as potentially great human beings regardless. Easy to do with strangers, more difficult with those we love. Harder still is loving someone as they are as they evolve through life, even when choices they’ve made are seemingly impossible to swallow or show compassion for.

    Enjoyed this post Lidiya!

    1. Hi there. Haven’t heard of you in a while, so I was glad to see that you stop by every now and then and still support my writing. I always enjoy your comments.

      I’m aware of the fact that we can’t please everyone. I try to remind myself of it but you know it’s one of those things that are easier said than done. I’m working on it.
      Expectations in general are something that holds us back, I think. It’s just that the disappointment is too big sometimes and it’s easier to just go with the flow, without expecting things to turn out in a particular way (but still to do your best and be optimistic).

      And thanks for sharing the personal examples. They really show what I mean. I see your point and can’t agree more that it’s easier with strangers, such an irony though.
      I think communicating can be improved (we will start to show compassion, don’t think for ourselves only, help others, respect them and so on) by having a deep understanding of the human nature. And that journey, as each other, starts inside of us.

  8. ” What other steps can you add to the process of self-healing, getting familiar with your true self and self-understanding?”

    http://mindfulbalance.org is a great gateway for anyone who wishes to take what you are writing about here seriously

    BEYOND DISTRACTION

    There is no real “No”
    To the ultimate question
    Only “Yes” or “Later”

  9. This is more good advice. I, too, try to conscientiously put the ones who matter most high on my priority list. But what I think happens is, with strangers and casual acquaintances, we always tend to put our best foot forward. Basically, we want to make the best first impression of which we’re capable.

    On the other side of that coin, our familiarity with those whom we are most intimate, I believe, causes us to be more casual with them, taking for granted that they should automatically “know” we live and appreciate them. And that, too often, can make us seem aloof, callous, and even ungrateful for these valuable individuals.

    Your advice, as usual, is a truly logical remedy to this common thoughtless problem. We don’t mean to be so thoughtless; it’s just that we’re not thinking! Again, thank you, Lidiya!

    1. Welcome! And thank you for the great points. I love it when someone add value to a post of mine like you did with those musings. Cheers πŸ™‚

  10. I agree with being aware, analyzing, understanding, changing, and self-forgiving. I don’t agree with making others happy. I choose to teach others, point out to others that it is up to them to make themselves happy and I teach this to any age. Self-happiness is self-sufficiency. Needing to make others happy or needing others to make you happy is codependency.

    1. Thanks for commenting.
      Making others happy here means helping them and contributing, doing good to others. This is how the universe is supposed to work and only this way – when everyone helps and respects everyone else – will there be any kind of peace and each person will be happy.

  11. it all starts with ourselves. Before we can begin to love others, we must learn to love ourselves first. Great post Lidiya! Keep up the good work.

  12. Everything sounds much easier than it really is. Kudos for you for doing, not just talking Lidiya.

    I would add “discover yourself”. We spend so little time on thinking about ourselves nowadays. But everyone is unique and has his unique purpose. When you align with it, it everything else is simpler.

  13. I feel your heart so profoundly in this statement:
    “And I think the main reason is that sometimes (more often than I want to) I disappoint myself.”

  14. I would agree that many of these things are necessary if not imperative to do in order to have a healthy relationship with the self and others. They are challenging, I must say so from personal experience.

    What’s that saying?….

    “Fake it til you make it.”

    Yeah I have done that and sometimes it actually DOES work, and I figure this is because the repetition of certain affirmations, actions, and positive events help to form more healthy neuropathways in my brain around the issues.

    1. Exactly! I’m glad you know what I mean. The faking really does a great job most of the times.
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting πŸ™‚

      1. Haha…that statement could apply to a lot smh

        Anyways, I’ll stop being raunchy. I really like to be authenitc in actuality. I feel like I benefit from being real with myself. Our bodies, our minds, our selves know the difference, all of them.

  15. I so relate. I can spend hours comforting a “good” friend I have made on line while my emails from friends I have known all my life, sit in a pile in my waiting to be read box, or as my husband waits patiently for my time. And don’t get me we, I am not discounting the importance of my online friendships – in fact sometimes they seem to GET us more here. But at the same time it is easier to help strangers who don’t know or judge all our flaws.
    I SOOOO GET your postβ™‘

      1. It’s comforting to know that others feel the same way. I think it’s something in human nature that makes us please the ones that are not so close to us so that we can avoud judgement. That needs to be fixed πŸ˜€

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